The Double Breakup!

Can a guy and girl really be friends after dating?

You’ve been with her for close to 6 months now but something does not feel right. It is 5am but it seems as though some invisible force is pulling your eyelids back for ransom. You know that you’ve got an important business engagement but all you seem to be doing is staring aimlessly at the ceiling. It wasn’t too long ago that she first caught your attention at a friend’s wedding. She was wearing this simple yet elegant white lace dress that sensually wrapped around her slender body. However, being the groom’s eldest sister, it was the way she graciously greeted the guests that first caught your eye. It is now 6am so you decide to get up but since she has her head nestled on top of your arm, you end up waking her up in the process. She turns on the bedside lamp and asks you, “Is everything fine Babe?” It’s gone long enough and you can’t lie to her so you respond and say…

“I think we should see other people.” In a shocked but somewhat reserved voice, she says, “Oh, did I do something wrong…? I thought everything was fine… Um… How long have you felt this way…? Can we still be friends?”

We all know that breaking up is a very exhausting task but it just has to be done. You don’t want to break her heart AGAIN but what to do you really say when she asks, “Can we still be friends?” Obviously, you’re going to say “Yes” but do you really mean it? I thought I did but after a month later, I had to break up with her AGAIN as a “friend” because I just was not interested in having these so called “friendly catch-ups”. What’s frustrating is that I had to tell her in person because my one-word text messages and my constant “No” responses to her lunch invitations just did not seem to get through to her head.

Sorry to take a detour here but I’ve actually been called “extremely harsh” by my peers for telling someone upfront that I wasn’t interested in her. Now, much debate centres on whether you should be upfront with a girl or whether a passive approach should do the trick when a situation like this arises. I’m not going to say which approach is correct so I’m just going to say, “Treat others in a way that you want to be treated.” Ultimately though, why couldn’t I have just said a simple “No” to remaining as friends in the first place?

I really couldn’t say “No” because I didn’t want to hurt her again but when you think about it, my failure to say “No” in the first place actually made the situation worse. At the very same time, I probably had an ulterior motive of wanting something from her later on which was very selfish on my part. I suppose when you get to know some intimately, it’s sometimes really hard to let go even though you initiated the whole thing. Perhaps we’re just “too” nice people.

Now the “downside” of getting to know someone intimately is that we’re more likely to pick up on things that we don’t like. Noone is perfect, even me, so we should go on the premise that we should concentrate on someone’s good qualities. However, if it’s something that’s constantly gnawing at you like the sound of drill buzzing on the back of the head, I really do you need to ask you, “Why would you want to be friends with someone when there is a characteristics about them that you do not like?”

If a guy and girl REALLY wanted to be friends after dating then one of three conditions must be met. The first one is that both parties must not have any intimate feelings towards each other. Secondly, considerable time must have lapsed before both parties see each other again. Lastly, it’s possible for a guy and girl to be friends if they were friends before they started dating.

Conditions are great and I understand that there are always exceptions but let me ask you another question, “If there was something that you didn’t like about her when you were dating, can you really tolerate this when you are now friends?”

So when a girl asks you if you can still be friends after dating and you don’t feel comfortable with that, just say “No”. If we reverse the situation and she breaks up with you, she would probably want to say the same thing. It’s harsh but it’s true. Break all contact and if she wants to delete you from her Facebook, then so be it.

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20 thoughts on “The Double Breakup!

  1. “I really couldn’t say “No” because I didn’t want to hurt her again but when you think about it, my failure to say “No” in the first place actually made the situation worse”.

    Exactly!

    There is nothing more annonying or frustrating when a guy just can’t say No, or yes or just anything! As you’ll see from my blog 🙂

    I asked a guy to tell me, yes, no, maybe, don’t know. I figured that covered all basic options of indecision and equally gave him the option to back out. What did he choose to do? Nothing. Apparently in his head saying nothing was the best option. WRONG. It does mean however rather than ending things on amicable terms it meant I got angry at his lack of communication and see him as a coward. Great eh?

  2. I know. I’ve got a Mate who is very decisive. Don’t get wrong, he’s a nice guy but his answer to everything is “whatever”. What does that even mean?!?!

    I’m still laughing at that blog you wrote. Assclown? Haha. That’s a good one. I might just use that one day.

    That’s terrible. “Yes”, “No”, “Maybe”, “Don’t know” and now there is just silence! I’m curious, did you say to him, “Why can’t you just give me answer?”. You know what, a lot of Dudes don’t know what they really want so this is a tough one. Same with a lot of girls that I’ve met.

  3. lol. I asked if he wanted to stay in contact. To be fair there is plenty of history to it. And I know it’s tricky which is why I included a ‘don’t know’ option.

    I think I did follow up with a why can’t you give me an answer? I think I said something along the lines of it’s ok to say no if that’s what you want.
    Then something else along the lines of I can’t even get you to commit to something even if it’s vague! – can’t even drag a No out of you, not even to say fk off and leave me alone!

    If I don’t know how I feel or what I want I say it otherwise how is the other person supposed to know where they stand.

    (kept the overall tone light-was not ranty or shouty I promise)

  4. I think this is a very tough place to be in. I definitely believe men and women can be friends, but not every man and woman can go on to be friends. Being friends after a breakup is nearly impossible if it did not end mutually and one person still hopes the friendship will eventually turn back into a relationship. As for what to say then when a woman asks if you two can be friends after a break up… be honest. At least this way you can walk away feeling good about yourself. Even if being honest means saying “I don’t know. I want to right now, but in the past I’ve tried this and changed my mind a month later.” or “I don’t know. Let’s take a month off from talking and then check-in about the whole being friends thing if we each still want it just to make sure we’re not becoming friends to put off the loss of our relationship.” I know, easier said than done in those moments sometimes, but I’m a firm believer that honesty is the best every time no matter how uncomfortable in the moment.

  5. I have been friends with almost everyone that I have ever dated. I am still best friends with my ex-wife— and from the very first day she left. I even helped her find her first apartment and helped get her furniture.

    The question is one of ego. If you truly love something or someone, it should be without the ego creating conditions. A love you have for your friends (of all people if possible) should be that same unconditioned love a mother has for a child.

    The problem comes when we cling and crave from the other person: sex, attention, validation, etc. When the relationship is based on what the other person is giving you, then it can only exist as long as the beast is fed. If you break up and that void is created– you suffer.

  6. @ DoctorLady: Exactly. Honesty is the best policy as they say but easier said than done in the moment. Human relationships are quite enigmatic at times.

    @ dragonflydm: Agree – Truly loving someone means not having the ego creating conditions. Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t have this mindset. Indeed – It becomes an issue when there is overwhelming attachment to the other person that goes well beyond love. This article is based on such a situation – The girl that I was dating at the time constantly craved for approval and recognition. It was definitely an experience to learn from.

  7. Saying “no” was the best thing you could have done.

    Some people have a hard time understanding that if someone wants to go, they just need to step aside and let them right through.

    There’s no forcing people into staying with you. It doesn’t help and it doesn’t make things easier. And staying as friends with an ex is just an illusion… because there’s always something there- and if it didn’t work the first time, it’s not gonna work in the second time. Or third one.

  8. I was just mulling over this very question earlier today.I’m horrible at rejecting people, yet at the same time, there’s still a part of me that wants to detach them and put them in their rightful seat in the friend zone.

  9. @ Mrs. This One: Indeed. It definitely doesn’t help and it definitely doesn’t make things easier. If you’re too nice in these situations, the other person can trample over you. If you’re too harsh, people are going to think you’re a jerk. Simple life 101, you can’t please everyone.

    @ belleandariel: Haha. Let me check out your post first before I say anything.

  10. I don’t think being truthful makes you a jerk – stringing someone along will make you look like a jerk.

    It’s going to sting if someone says NO but it’s nothing like the slow lingering death of hoping for something to develop from the ‘friend zone’. Ever seen an ex out with their new partner and feel like you’ve been punched in the chest?

    If anyone wants out you have to end it clean.

  11. “I don’t think being truthful makes you a jerk” You’ll be surprised the kind of people that are out there. I’m sure you know. These people are just “ass clowns”!

    Definitely. There was a time when I even tried to discredit the dude infront of the ex. Talk about immaturity.

    This quote sums it up pretty well, “Jealousy is a tiger that tears not only its prey but also its own raging heart.”

  12. Being friends after a break-up I’m sure is tough on the one who got broken up with. But I guess it really depends on why they would want to remain friends too.
    Would it be because of networking?
    Would it be because he/she wants to keep ‘tabs’ on their exes every move?
    Was there a genuine friendship there apart from being lovers?
    The list goes on as to why one would want to remain friends with an ex.
    But if the one who has broken off the relationship doesn’t want that – then that’s okay.
    After all it’s your life and you decide who you want to be in it.
    If they can’t handle that then that’s on them.
    If they become crazed and obsessed. No worries, that’s why we have retraining orders. 😉

  13. Unfortunately, a lot of people can’t deal with breakups. I’m sure all of us have had some terrible experiences. It’s the worst when a relationship failure affects your job but more importantly, stops you from moving on and meeting other people.

    Restraining order? That’s just a lot of work to set-up! There’s got to be another way – Changing all your contact details perhaps? 😉

  14. Experienced the similar situation, it all ended after couple of dates, the situation changed dramatically. I think it’s only a mindset changing, i.e whether you chose to be friend or to be in relationship with someone; as an open minded person, thought he’d be the same, as initially we shared the value of viewing things with big heart, I genuinely hoped that we could be friends, which I thought it’d be harmless and with longer durability. Then after considerable “cooling down” period, we had so called “ friendly catch-ups”, I could “ smell” that something was not so right, but I did appreciate that he made the effort to come to meet me every time that I invited…but but the similar situation as this story named happened unexpected. ??? all in my mind .. figured none of the above mentioned conditions were met. And I reckon that removing the connection from Facebook was so immature, however the intention was to filter the information about the friend, but not to delete someone from the life journey. Otherwise, how can I find this blog?

  15. Riddle me ree this one then.
    You chat you get along you have plenty in common. They suggest things be more than a fling. You agree. They pull away. You tell ’em to get lost.

    Later you catch up. Proceed with said fling. You suggest it has to end as you can see this ending in a car crash because you’d actually like things to be more. Met with silence. Met with annoyance of avoiding saying what you want. Followed once more by get lost!

    Somewhere the let’s be friends card gets played.
    I decide to be civil but decide that’s it. Game over, I’m not playing this game anymore and go no contact.

    Mixed messages from both parts? Guilty as charged.
    Not being 100% straight with how you feel/what you want? Both guilty

    Silence for 3 weeks then a ‘Hi. How you doing? x’ via text.

    (To be fair, I played the same card (how are you doing?) to try and smooth the waters so I wouldn’t feel like punching him if we met in the street.)

    WTF? What is that all about? Is this just a check up call to see if I’d respond? Seeing if the door is still open? Got bored one night with an itchy finger? Male interpretations.

  16. It’s really quite pointless when you think about Eve. It takes two to tangle and “Yes” there was definitely fault on my part. Nevertheless, the same situation occurred recently but this time around we were able to remain friends because neither of us was interested in the other. A great outcome 😉

    Yeah, I’m sure all of us have sent one of those “3 weeks’ later text”. Back then I was hoping she would take me back. Wishful yet pointless thinking in hindsight. Male stupidity? Haha.

    PS: As much as I love people calling me GP, please feel free to call me Jeff.

  17. Howdy Jeff, I did have the urge to be direct and ask ‘what do you want?’ but resisted. Since I have no way to tell what his interest level or intentions are and he’s unlikely to be forthcoming I’m treating it as a boredom blip or harem tending. 😉

    If he makes contact again I have two choices, ignore and not play the game or ask directly what he’s up to.

    Thing is when I did reply a couple of days later he didn’t want anything in particular, I mean there was no transparent reason for sending the message, just to chat. That’s like what we women do isn’t it? lol

    I can’t be friends with this person-too much said and not said. Perhaps in time and at 3 weeks I’d just reached a point where I’d accepted I wouldn’t hear from him again.

    Ah, I dunno men. 🙂

    Actually it’s everyone. If people weren’t too worried about what other people thought of them we’d all be better off. We wouldnt be so worried about admitting what we wanted or didnt want. Emotions aren’t good or bad, they just are.

  18. Here’s a question, what do you want from him?

    I’m pretty direct when it comes to these things so I either tell the girl that I’m not interested or I plant a kiss on her 😉 Perhaps you can give this a go with your mystery man. He may reciprocate and kiss you back or he can tell you that he’s not interested. Either way, the air is now clear for the both of you to move forward. That’s win-win for both parties because there’s no more second guessing.

    On being direct, it’s not that I’m an impatient man but it’s just like what I wrote in my latest article i.e. there are better things to do than to sit on my ass and wait for you to give me an answer. As the old saying goes, life is too short to waste your time on these things.

    Yeah, just on your last comment – that’s true so why don’t you give it a go. I think a lot men will agree with me that a woman who is comfortable in her own skin speaks more than words.

  19. In the first instance I would like a straight answer, however I’m of the opinion I ain’t going to get one, so I feel my hand is somewhat being forced to withdraw. Too much energy on too little return. I have no intention of becoming a ‘fall back’.

    I did end up asking what he wanted me for.
    Just wanted to see how I was.x

    Now what kind of answer is that? lol

    I’m glad you’re direct, it saves a lot of drawn out pain on both sides. I wish more people were like that. But it is like you say, I can’t and won’t sit on my ass trying to mindread.

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